I have no preamble this week, picks have been shitty and so has my day, hoping that doing this in a bitter state leads to glory, clearly this is why Ditka is leading the Monday Night Countdown picks segment (I don’t actually know if this is true but am banking on no one calling me out on it if wrong because to do so would be to admit that you watch Monday Night Countdown outside of “C’mon Man!”).

Packers (-7) at the Giants: Tempting to take Big Blue with the news today that AJ Hawk and Desmond Bishop will be joining Josh Sitton on the inactive list for Sunday (Breaking News: Playing 3 NFL games in 10.5 days takes it’s toll on the human body), but there are still plenty of reasons to look forward to 12-0. If Brandon Jacobs and the New York running game was still alive they could do what Blount and the Bucs did two weeks ago but as luck would have it they rank 32nd in yards despite being 22nd in attempts. Add into this fair weather being predicted and another 30+ points should be good enough to win.

(From yesterday) Eagles (-3) at the Seahawks: I’m dumb, if I had put money on Philly I’d still be looking like this.

Titans (+1.5) at the Bills: The only way I’m watching this game before the 4th quarter is if they promise to run Homerun Throwback on each kick/punt return (I’d forogtten Joe Theismann was a part of that call, shows how overreacting to announcers is silly since even he couldn’t ruin that moment). And while I’m thinking about it, shut it Bills fans, it was a lateral.

Bears (-7) over the Chiefs: In a matchup of quarterbacks only SEC fans could love we have Caleb Hanie taking on Tyler Palko unless Kyle Orton is called in to make panty soup at Soldier Field with his neckbeard again. An 8-0 final is still a cover so let’s lay the points.

Patriots (-20) over the Colts: Watch this be the week when Indy covers after I’ve picked them no less than 6 times already this season. Dan Orlovsky moves closer to locking down the nickname “O-Fer”.

Oakland (+3) at the Dolphins: The leaders of the AFC West are 3 point underdogs against a 3-8 team, if they can’t win this one just know we’re looking at Tebow in the playoffs.

Broncos (+1) at the Vikings: Speaking of His Holiness how in the hell are they an underdog again? Peterson is out again and Tebow is now a less interesting member of the Blues Brothers, this game is no contest.

Belushi is dead while Skip Bayless is still alive and able to talk about Tim Tebow, the world is horrible

Bengals (+6.5) at the Steelers: I’m done trying to rationalize my picks on how these AFC North matchups are going to play out.

Browns (+6.5) over the Ravens: The fuck did I just say?

Panthers (+3.5) at the Buccaneers: I never found it believable how quickly the people of Whoville forgave the Grinch for stealing Christmas, I mean it’s one thing not to press charges but it’s quite another to invite the son of a bitch to carve the roast beast (we’ve reached the part of the season where I’d rather talk about what’s on my TV rather than a handful of games each week).

Washington (+3) over the Jets: Someone is winning this game 20-17 and I hope that if Santonio Holmes does the jet move after scoring a Washington player calls it bad taste since they were also affected by 9/11, right dumbass Jets player?

Falcons (-3) at the Texans: Only giving 3 points against TJ Yates? Something’s odd about this, let’s just move on, bad juju abounds.

Cowboys (-4.5) at the Cardinals: Kevin Kolb is back this week but I wasn’t following the lines close enough to see if this move added another point for Dallas.

49ers (-13) over the Rams: The Packers are at the top of the NFC and San Francisco is running wild over a terrible division, all we need is people complaining about Seinfeld post-Larry David and it would be 1997 all over again (think I might have done a variation of this joke already this season but dammit, SF has six games against Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona, you mine the NFC West for material).

Chargers (-2.5) at the Jaguars: This is the MNF game but I don’t want this post to end on a bad note. With the big news this week regarding the sale of the team I’m worried that if they move I won’t be able to use this image regarding their franchise.

Jacksonville's upper deck promotions never really took off

Saints (-9) over the Lions: Not that Suh would have made much of a difference in this ass-beating but it’s still funny that his dumbass would get kicked out playing the best offense in the NFL and then be unable to go against the team who’s a close second. Let’s put the champagne on ice and get ready to celebrate winning the NFC North after this one.